Say Good-bye to tantrums

A tantrum is a childish method of expressing oneself when one cannot shift away from a chosen strategy to make something happen. How often have we witnessed the toddler in a store demanding a treat or prize with outrageous behavior including screaming and crying? How often have we witnessed an adult in a department store going off on an innocent customer relations person? And why do they do it? Because it works. Tantrums are only repeated because on some level the person received something in return, even if it was the power to make others look at them.

The common sense thinking to eliminate tantrums is to not give in. This is good advice but most often the screaming child in the store is trying to manipulate a very frustrated, overwhelmed, overworked parent who just wants the screaming to stop. So, they bargain or negotiate. To preserve their integrity, most parents will not give in immediately but will give the child attention, and a good talking to. But eventually the child gets close to what they want and the item in question is only a token because what they really were bargaining for was power. The only really sure way to eliminate tantrums is to disengage. No recognition at all. A tantrum is a learned behavior. Children do not like disengagement. If every tantrum is met with being ignored and indifference, the behavior will extinguish. No power equals not tantrum.

If a child has already learned to use tantrums to manipulate then extinguishing them is going to be painful. And here is why. Being a learned behavior, a tantrum will continue even if the reward is removed for the same reason we continue to flip a light switch when the bulb burned out…because we can’t believe the behavior doesn’t work. In fact, the behavior usually increases for a short time once the reward has been removed. We flip the light switch faster and more frequently until we realize that the bulb is indeed burned out. A child will continue the tantrums and not believe that you are ignoring him/her, and will increase them until exhaustion occurs. Then he/she will try a new way to get their needs met.

This is when it is possible to introduce a competing, adaptive strategy to handle frustration and getting one’s needs met. Your young charge is really trying to assert independence and not be a pushover. Teach him or her better strategies for handling frustration and disappointment. If what they really want is independence, then teach them that they should be creative in acquiring the objects of their desires, that is, earning them. They earn through good behavior and eventually by joining the economy.

Also teach them through example that consumption of goods does not bring happiness or satisfaction. In fact the more we consume the hungrier we get. Teach them that true rewards come from internal sources. That being in control of oneself is a huge reward. Teach them that the best feeling is not receiving but giving. If you need further help with this subject, then please consult your cleric, therapist, mentor, or life coach.

The older a person gets, the less likely the tantrum is an attempt to manipulate others and more of an expression of frustration. Humans of all ages have tantrums. A tantrum is a childish method of expressing ones frustration when we cannot shift away from a thought. We have become stuck and just want our way and we want it now. Just like in a small child a tantrum is similar to a sneeze. A sneeze can be interrupted early but once it reaches the point of no return then it’s blast away. A tantrum is similar. So either interrupt it before it is too late or recognize that it’s too late and disengage. If we stay engaged and try to reason it out with the person they continue because of secondary gain. That is the power or reward for the attention of the tantrum rather than the focus of the tantrum. Eventfully all people will come to recognize that becoming overly frustrated is painful and doesn’t resolve anything, but only if the intended victim disengages and does not give that secondary gain.

A tantrum is really the frustration one expresses because of lack of choices. The best choice is to understand that to inflict emotional pain on others is not a viable option. We as parents have taken on the awesome responsibility to produce the next generation of adults. So if we can start early to help our young charges manage their frustration and not teach them inappropriate tactics then we will raise confident human beings who can survive frustration and disappointment in their adult lives and won’t torment others in the process.

“Is there something you want to tell me?”

 

Why do we parents ask questions we already know the answer to? We do it because we have this foolish belief that our children will respond with a mature and honest answer. Ha! Kids are so focused on gaining external reward and avoiding punishment that they will not put themselves in trouble just by a parent asking. When we do this we set our precious little ones up for failure, much like legal entrapment. Very few children are so masochistic as to self incriminate. We need to avoid asking questions we already know the answer to.

I would venture a guess that it would not be hard to find several thousand examples of people in the public eye who lie when confronted. (President Clinton anyone?) We have heard all the excuses; “not me,” “I don’t know,” “define is.” It is human nature to initially deny when caught with our hand in the cookie jar.

When we challenge kids to guess what we know, we startle them into a fight or flight response similar to any other dangerous situation. Since they can’t run away (hopefully), they fight or become defensive. The kid is trying to protect himself, his/her freedom, and even his assumed image with the parent. This is a lot to protect and if a little lie can protect all that, to a kid’s mind it must be worth it.

A better strategy is to just say it like it is. If you get a call from a teacher informing you of some misdeed by your child, the just say so. “Johnny, I received a call today from your teacher about the name calling at school.” “We need to discuss how we can solve this problem.” In this way you are addressing the real problem, not setting up a new test of honesty with which you can bolster your position.

Since what we really want is to help our young charges gain maturity and mastery of their world, then we should use positive language and lots of patience when trying to inform them of the error of their ways, not trying to “catch them lying” to prove how “sneaky” they really are. If you want honesty, start with honesty. If you don’t teach them, then who will?